The Ultimate E-Mail Forward

This post goes out there to all who have recieved or sent these crappy fowards. After reading, think about what your doing, a good deed. So keep on sending these helpful tips on, well everything unimportant in life.

On behalf of all of us who get such emails daily... I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letter emails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the envelope glue. I now have to get a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, and I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS, and I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx , since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe, and I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Also, thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and I make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

Hell, I no longer have any money at all. But that will change, once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Thanks so much for looking out for me.

Now forward this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes or you'll suffer the terrible fate of choking to death on your next meal.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Really.