A Redneck Christmas

(A redneck family, a brother and sister (married of course) and their illegitimate son)

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Although it may be a bit early, I decided to start working on what every redneck in Michigan would be wanting. I have spent a great deal of time learning from these simple creatures, learning their language and their culture. I am led to believe that their Christmas would go like this. Here it goes...

Christmas Dinner:

Main Course: Seagall (O' wha'eva bird we's see at the time) Alsa dontcha mind the fresh bullet holes in 'er. How'eva if we cant' find no birds, wa'll just mack up some pasty's. Mmmmm pasty's.

(Side Note: Ma' wife (sista) makes the best pasty's (Our famla' tree has no forks.)

Other Meat: Wha'eva we can hit on the high'wa

Sides: Tators o' wha'eva thems plants are called that wa digs up fram the ground.

Desert: Desert! I neva heard o' such a thing.

Beverage: Beer and Vernors, gotta get drunk enoug' to liven' up the holidays.

Christmas List:

12 pack o' vernors

A bar o' soap (Mayba', it's not tha' big o' a waste o' muney)

Shotgun shells

Flannel shirts

A goo' pair o' boots

12 beer cans (for a variety o' thangs such as, wind chimes, measuring sticks, burgler alarm, and mayba countin' stuff)

Anythina' NASCAR

A big ol' axe, for choppin' stuff

An ol' car (Alsa for a variety of thangs such as a blind, a house, a bathroom, or mayba' jus' mayba, I'll drive 'er.)

A girlfrien' (Just have a'nother baby.)

Huntin' dog

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REDNECK DIALOUGE STOPS HERE

Now this is just the tip of the iceberg, but if you're a redneck, or know one, these are all great gifts for them. And remember, these are gifts that every rednecks will LOVE. So buy, buy, buy.

Happy Holidays

(But mainly Merry Christmas because well, most people celebrate this anyways. Not celebrating Cristmas? That sucks. Jewish? Pshh a candle burning for eight days is no miracle, that's just a good candle.) Sorry about that if your Jewish, I got a little carried away.

Top 15

In order to draw more attention to my site, I decided to use these keywords. These words were supposedly the top 15 words searched, so lets see.

1.
eddie guerrero
2.
sarah silverman
3.
california election results
4.
jordan queen rania
5.
dicaprio and bundchen
6.
charlie and the chocolate factory
7.
pride and prejudice
8.
shadow the hedgehog
9.
intelligent design
10.
B5
11.
kate hudson
12.
arrested development
13.
veterans day
14.
edmund fitzgerald
15.
black Friday

Please, if anyone came here in hopes of finding an answer, tell me

Lost

Today I was greatly upset by a friend of mine (Jedith) who claimed that Lost was not a great show. He merely said it was a reality show with a fat guy. I am here to get some justice to one of the greatest show on t.v. right now. For all of you fans and people who have never watched, I will try to summarize some of the plots.

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A flight leaving from Australia to Los Angles goes down in the middle of the ocean. During the crash the plane is broken in half and apparently both sides of the plane have been surviving on the island, along with "the others." On the first side there are about 40 survivors and many odd things happen to them, such as.

• Some of them believe they are there for a reason.
• They find a plane crash in the jungle filled with drugs.
• They manage to build a boat only to find that someone has burned it down.
• The second boat they build, they get to open water only to find that a mysterious boat comes and kidnaps the child on board.
• They find a metal hatch with "evil numbers" etched onto it. In that hatch they find a man who has been pushing a button for three years who thinks he is saving the world, but then he runs away.
• A man comes into their camp who was not on the flight manifest and ends up killing some of them.
• A woman who has been living in an underground bunker kidnaps one of them and eventually kidnaps a child.
• "The Others" are supposedly coming to kill all of the survivors.
• The plane was 500 miles off course (I think).
• They find a ship in the middle of the jungle filled with dynamite.
• And in the episode I am watching right now, it portraying the other side of the first 40 days.
• Walt (the kid taken from the boat) randomly appears at night whispering something.

I cannot say enough good things about this show. And although I probably missed some of the events that have happened you get a good idea. Every time you watch this show, instead of answering the questions from last week, it keeps piling more on. With every episode the plot thickens and gets that much more twisted as before. Anyone who can successfully (for the most part) guess the ending deserves some prize because on Lost, nothing is what is seems.

Also I would like to add that this post is about a GOOD t.v. show instead of some SCRIPTED pop culture dribble (I'm talking to you Dem).

If I have missed anything please tell me and I will add it.

A Tribute

This post goes out to all of the baggers across the globe (one in particular).

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It was a chilly November day with overcast skies. And I had to put my nose to the grindstone, again. I was employed at one of the leading Supermarkets across the nation, Glens. As usual it was a busy day with the usual bothersome customers not taking one minute to shutup about their lives in order to realize just how difficult my tedious job was. After hours of toiling away bagging and bagging my shift was finally up. I check out and head towards my car. I fumbled for my keys when I saw a stroller sitting there in the parking lot. I almost disregarded it until I saw a teenager (on her cellphone of course) headed right towards the crib! As quick as a lighting bolt I dashed towards the crib. Luckily the car missed it, but smashed right into my kneecap! I awake with a splitting headache in an ambulance. It turns out that I had dislocated my kneecap and with no antiseptic the doctor pushed it back in place with a nasty crunch. Now I am on crutches for 6 months but it was all worth it.

Back in Reality

This is what really happened....

-I would like plastic

-Would you like a separate bottle for your wine?

-Yes

Suddenly! The wine bottle slipped but with my lighting fast reflexes I managed to catch it between my legs. I stood up, the wine bottle held high.

CRACK

My kneecap slide to the side, I went down hard, and now I'm on crutches.

For example I work at Kilwins scooping ice-cream. This would be like me breaking my wrist scooping ice-cream, difficult to do but manageable.

I would let it now be known that all grocery baggers have THE most difficult job in the world, and they don't even have health insurance! Can you believe that? After this tragic event it is about time to put a stop to this abuse to all of our hardworking baggers.

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In related news

I was watching (a long time ago) a show on MTV called True Life. Now if you don't know what it is about, it's about what else? Someone's real life. Anyways this particular episode was about poverty across America. This family was a African American with a son (who I think what he says is funny) who was illiterate, for the most part. They were getting kicked out of their house because they couldn't afford the rent. The son was reading a letter from the police which basically said to move out. It went as follows....

Son: "We just got a state of erection from the police telling us to more out."

I do realize he meant state of eviction but still, it gave me a chuckle. But remember kids, poverty is not something to laugh about and it needs to be put to a stop.

And It Begins

Can anyone think of a thousand words for stupidity?

George Dubuwha Bush

Here's a little picture I found surfing the web, thought some people would think it was funny. I personally don't like Bush but don't get me wrong, I don't think Kerry could have done any better.

Crazy Thoughts Part One

While surfing the web I came across this website and I decided to answer some of life's great mysterious while there, here they are.


Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
Child labor laws deal with unfair treatment of children, do you really think it is unfair to pay a kid millions of dollars to star in a movie?

If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
Eh, they’d probably give them a pity point.

Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
WHAT!? My parents never did that.

If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
How big is a crumb?

If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
I imagine they would keep pissing.

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
No it wouldn’t go with their attire.

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Uhhh when all people are in pain it is funny.

Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
No one else uses it?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Nah people dig them up afterwards to get the coffin back, there expensive.

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
If the SWAT team came to your house I doubt you would ever return to it.

Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Isn’t that what’s for?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
I can.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Hey! You copied that from Calvin and Hobbes.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Hey! You got this idea from the question above.

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Sounds right.

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
I dunno, someone want to do that and get back with me on that.